Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Letter of sorts

Through the past year and a half I've been wondering why you no longer wished to be my friend. More specifically, in the past six months, I've been wondering why you decided to be his friend instead of mine once you came back.
It's sad, really, how long it's taken me. But it's even more sad what I've discovered.
You've always been the kind of person to just be or spend time with who can benefit you. Who can give you the most? Your friendships aren't about the relationship, it's always about you you you.
He can provide a safe place for you to always drink, or fuck your life away. He can play an instrument in your band. He can provide drugs. What can I provide? An actual friendship, which you'll whine about on your websites or your pathetic excuses for songs, but you never actually do anything to pursue them. You have friends just waiting for you to come back, just waiting for you to be yourself again. But you're a coward, just like him. You both cheat on the girls you're with, you both think your lives are so much harder than they actually are, you both don't know what to do with your time than to get drunk and play the same three chords on a guitar, and you both think you're a whole lot cooler than you actually are, though you pretend to hate yourselves to get attention and sympathy.
I was your best friend, he hated you, and you decided to come back and be his friend, while making up a whole lot of bullshit along the way. Both of you need to stop pretending, stop lying to yourselves, own up to your mistakes, because we all know you've made them, and we're all but ready to forgive you for them and move on, but you're both just too busy being complete assholes and hiding from reality. 
Do you have any idea how many times he's told me, up unti the past month, how you're not even his friend? How he doesn't care about any of you? How "I can have you guys back" because you don't matter? But that doesn't matter to you at all, he has beer in the fridge, what more could you possibly need, right?
What you don't understand is this band you idolize, this band that is on tour right now, plays incredible music, everyone loves them... are so different from you. They don't drink, or party, or take every drug that is offered to them. They have long term girlfriends, real relationships. They do well in school. They actually practice their instruments. You want to be like them so bad, then why are you throwing your lives away and only socialize with those who are equal or more drunk than you? 

The day you both realize that you really lost something good. Real friendships, real relationships, really golden opportunities and you get bored of this wanna-be punk lifestyle, I hope it's not too late because both of you are truly incredible people once you drop this facade. You're kind, loving, and truly fun to be around people, and I hope we can meet again someday.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Journal:

I used to write all of the things that used to make me happy down in a pink journal. Looking back on it, I realize how entirely different I was just a few months ago.

January 14th, 2012:

I love waking up to sunshine, a list of things to do, and a whole jar of ambition.
Sweatshirts that smell of cigarettes [yours]


January 16th, 2012:


I am so overwhelmingly happy right now. I love waking up early, there is so much time to complete so much... Oh! And I'm listening to The Shins "Wincing the Night Away" album. I always listened to this through my earbuds when walking to Andrew's house from mine. It reminds me of when things were a lot simpler. It makes me feel likt it's spring/coming to it. Ahh. :)

January 21st, 2012:


Powerpuff girls, Teen Mom, ordering things/getting things in the mail.


And that's when the list ended. That's when everything changed. That exact day. I'd like to start this list again, I'd like to get back in the swing of things, but nothing necessarily feels the same. It'd seem too forced. Happiness used to come so naturally to me, and now I feel like whenever I'm smiling or laughing at something, I don't find it all that enjoyable or all that funny. Whenever I'm out of the house hanging out with friends, I had to go through hell just to get them to spend time with me. I had to make a million phone calls, phone tag everyone several times, and even then, no one really seems to psyched to be in my presence. In fact, everything feels forced. I'm forcing myself to hang out with people. I'm forcing myself to be busy. I'm forcing myself to read, or to watch, or to listen. When the truth is, none of it is helping, none of it has helped, and it's not going to help. I'm done making myself get out of bed when all I want to do is curl into the covers. It's proven to be a lot more effective than allowing someone in, than letting my guard down, than putting my heart on my sleeve. So allow me to do that now. I'm turning my phone off, I'm turning everything off, I'm taking some Nyquil, I'm going to sleep the day away, and it's going to be the best day I've had in a while.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Running

I'm pretty sure that it is possible to run from your problems despite what everyone says. For if your problem is another person, running away allows you no means to contact them. Running away distracts you. Running away removes you from the familiar.

Right now, all I want to do is run away. I want to run from everything. My life is nowhere where I wanted it to be. Nowhere where I want it to be. And most importantly, nowhere where it should be.

All I do is work, and when I'm not working, I'm usually not enjoying myself. I can't leave my house, I can't hang out with anyone. Everywhere is stained with memories and everyone is moving on.

I'm probably just going to drive somewhere far away and enjoy some time to myself, wherever that may be, because I don't want to be here. I want to be somewhere else.