Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I miss you too

I'm not so sure anymore that the reason I've been feeling just a tad "better" is because I've gained more hope, rather than I've just become more content with hopelessness.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Positive Directions


I know, I’m absolutely positive actually, that my life is going somewhere spectacular.
I know that the things I’ve always wanted, I’m not going to give up on, and I’m going to make it all be reality.

It’s just that right now, things aren’t where I planned them to be, and that’s really okay. That’s life, things take unexpected turns for the worst all the time, I’ve kind of learned to accept that fact. However, that doesn’t ease my mind when I’m in such a silly little funk. All I’ve got to do at this point is re-shape my future, start from scratch, choose to get out of this funk and better my life rather than stay in this silly little point forever.
Things to look forward to/be jolly about:
  • My piano lesson in an hour
  • Andrew Bird concert on Sunday
  • Combing out my dreadlocks
  • Seeing my Texan family, spending time with my family in general
  • Pitchfork Music Festival
  • Seeing Dana again, spending loads of time with her
  • Going to Texas end of July
  • Getting a new job in August
  • Lollapalooza
  • Being a part of the Surround Sound Choir at my school
  • U.S. Gentleman of the Road Stopovers camping music festival
  • Turning 18
  • Getting out of school at 12:30, everyday
  • Taking classes at my local community college
  • Volunteering
  • Riot Fest
  • Visiting my dream college in New York on September 22nd (Seeing Deidre there)
  • Madrigal Dinner
  • Going to Arizona in December to visit my grandparents in the mountains
  • Being a part of theatre again, being in my first musical since 6th grade
  • Choir Tour, New York, New York, singing in the Lincoln Center, seeing a Broadway show
I’m getting out of this town, and I’m not saying my town is sucky, my town is beautiful, there’s a lot to do, trails to hike, lakes to ponder but I would be lying if I said that the people here were enjoyable. It’s not the size of my town, or the number of things to do that make me feel trapped, it’s the people. And I’m really excited to live in New York, to meet new people, to start completely fresh. To be known as my own person instead of being attached to not so pleasant things that I believed to be in the past, and no longer a part of me. That feeling… I can’t wait to have it. It’s going to be so refreshing, and so lovely. I look forward to it everyday, I look forward to all of this everyday.
But as of right now, I’m off to my lesson, then taking my car to the mechanic, a shower, signing up for college classes, and then summer homework. You gotta start somewhere to make the things you want to happen, happen.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Letter of sorts

Through the past year and a half I've been wondering why you no longer wished to be my friend. More specifically, in the past six months, I've been wondering why you decided to be his friend instead of mine once you came back.
It's sad, really, how long it's taken me. But it's even more sad what I've discovered.
You've always been the kind of person to just be or spend time with who can benefit you. Who can give you the most? Your friendships aren't about the relationship, it's always about you you you.
He can provide a safe place for you to always drink, or fuck your life away. He can play an instrument in your band. He can provide drugs. What can I provide? An actual friendship, which you'll whine about on your websites or your pathetic excuses for songs, but you never actually do anything to pursue them. You have friends just waiting for you to come back, just waiting for you to be yourself again. But you're a coward, just like him. You both cheat on the girls you're with, you both think your lives are so much harder than they actually are, you both don't know what to do with your time than to get drunk and play the same three chords on a guitar, and you both think you're a whole lot cooler than you actually are, though you pretend to hate yourselves to get attention and sympathy.
I was your best friend, he hated you, and you decided to come back and be his friend, while making up a whole lot of bullshit along the way. Both of you need to stop pretending, stop lying to yourselves, own up to your mistakes, because we all know you've made them, and we're all but ready to forgive you for them and move on, but you're both just too busy being complete assholes and hiding from reality. 
Do you have any idea how many times he's told me, up unti the past month, how you're not even his friend? How he doesn't care about any of you? How "I can have you guys back" because you don't matter? But that doesn't matter to you at all, he has beer in the fridge, what more could you possibly need, right?
What you don't understand is this band you idolize, this band that is on tour right now, plays incredible music, everyone loves them... are so different from you. They don't drink, or party, or take every drug that is offered to them. They have long term girlfriends, real relationships. They do well in school. They actually practice their instruments. You want to be like them so bad, then why are you throwing your lives away and only socialize with those who are equal or more drunk than you? 

The day you both realize that you really lost something good. Real friendships, real relationships, really golden opportunities and you get bored of this wanna-be punk lifestyle, I hope it's not too late because both of you are truly incredible people once you drop this facade. You're kind, loving, and truly fun to be around people, and I hope we can meet again someday.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Journal:

I used to write all of the things that used to make me happy down in a pink journal. Looking back on it, I realize how entirely different I was just a few months ago.

January 14th, 2012:

I love waking up to sunshine, a list of things to do, and a whole jar of ambition.
Sweatshirts that smell of cigarettes [yours]


January 16th, 2012:


I am so overwhelmingly happy right now. I love waking up early, there is so much time to complete so much... Oh! And I'm listening to The Shins "Wincing the Night Away" album. I always listened to this through my earbuds when walking to Andrew's house from mine. It reminds me of when things were a lot simpler. It makes me feel likt it's spring/coming to it. Ahh. :)

January 21st, 2012:


Powerpuff girls, Teen Mom, ordering things/getting things in the mail.


And that's when the list ended. That's when everything changed. That exact day. I'd like to start this list again, I'd like to get back in the swing of things, but nothing necessarily feels the same. It'd seem too forced. Happiness used to come so naturally to me, and now I feel like whenever I'm smiling or laughing at something, I don't find it all that enjoyable or all that funny. Whenever I'm out of the house hanging out with friends, I had to go through hell just to get them to spend time with me. I had to make a million phone calls, phone tag everyone several times, and even then, no one really seems to psyched to be in my presence. In fact, everything feels forced. I'm forcing myself to hang out with people. I'm forcing myself to be busy. I'm forcing myself to read, or to watch, or to listen. When the truth is, none of it is helping, none of it has helped, and it's not going to help. I'm done making myself get out of bed when all I want to do is curl into the covers. It's proven to be a lot more effective than allowing someone in, than letting my guard down, than putting my heart on my sleeve. So allow me to do that now. I'm turning my phone off, I'm turning everything off, I'm taking some Nyquil, I'm going to sleep the day away, and it's going to be the best day I've had in a while.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Running

I'm pretty sure that it is possible to run from your problems despite what everyone says. For if your problem is another person, running away allows you no means to contact them. Running away distracts you. Running away removes you from the familiar.

Right now, all I want to do is run away. I want to run from everything. My life is nowhere where I wanted it to be. Nowhere where I want it to be. And most importantly, nowhere where it should be.

All I do is work, and when I'm not working, I'm usually not enjoying myself. I can't leave my house, I can't hang out with anyone. Everywhere is stained with memories and everyone is moving on.

I'm probably just going to drive somewhere far away and enjoy some time to myself, wherever that may be, because I don't want to be here. I want to be somewhere else.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Life

Today I decided to take a gander at all of my old FTFK videos. Ya know, watch through them and what not. And aside from the obvious physical and hair changes, it became clear that my life has completely altered since I started FTFK.

Call me dumb, but I consider my previous relationship a large chunk of my life. And I feel like my life, due to it's shortness in length, is broken up into three parts. Before said relationship, during, and after. Right now, I'm in the after, and everything is okay. I wouldn't say they're better or worse, but they certainly are different.

I say this because while I was watching my videos sporadically and in no particular order I caught myself saying in my head, "Oh, this was during." Or "This was afterwards." I also noticed that throughout 2012, I think I've made like five FTFK videos, and this whole "afterwards" issue is what's to blame. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I lost myself for a while, and I didn't feel that that was the best time to be making videos, so I'm sorry I've missed so much.

So much has happened this year so far, and it's only half over. I hope that next time my life decides to make some changes, it doesn't do it all at once. Because sure, I've made it out okay, but I didn't expect to.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

What some don't understand...

Is that I always look back. "Looking back" is my middle name.
I've been asked so many times "how to get over a break up" or "how to stop thinking about someone all the time" and in my opinion, there is no such thing as "getting over" someone, as long as they actually, you know, MEANT something to you.

The sad and honest truth is, to make the pain lessen, do whatever you can to not see them. Whether it be in a photograph or in person. The best way to stop thinking about everything so often is to try to convince your body that that person doesn't exist. Scary, is it not?

I'm not just talking about ex boyfriends or girlfriends, I mean friends as well. I've lost friends for absolutely no reason at all. One morning they just woke up and decided to erase me. And the only way to stop beating yourself up over them forgetting about you, is to pretend they don't exist.

But the second you accidentally make eye contact with them, everything comes flooding back. The burning desire to call them up and ask about their day, to text them because you found a street name with their last name, to show up at their house, pet their dog, talk to their sister, complain about the smell of their room, and watch them break their ribs. Most importantly however, is the stabbing realization that these things, these memories, they mean absolutely nothing to them anymore. They don't care how your day is, they don't care how you're doing, they don't care if they even see you again. They simply, don't care. 

Something I'll never understand is how someone can go from meaning "the whole" world to someone, to meaning absolutely nothing at all. Perhaps they lied when they said you were everything, perhaps they didn't mean it.
But when I say I love someone, or that I'll never forget them, I mean it. And no matter what anyone does, how shitty they've become, or if they no longer talk to me, they still have a place in my heart, and I always look back at those memories with a smile on my face.

Because even though the people may change, the time you shared with them does not.