Thursday, May 31, 2012

Life

Today I decided to take a gander at all of my old FTFK videos. Ya know, watch through them and what not. And aside from the obvious physical and hair changes, it became clear that my life has completely altered since I started FTFK.

Call me dumb, but I consider my previous relationship a large chunk of my life. And I feel like my life, due to it's shortness in length, is broken up into three parts. Before said relationship, during, and after. Right now, I'm in the after, and everything is okay. I wouldn't say they're better or worse, but they certainly are different.

I say this because while I was watching my videos sporadically and in no particular order I caught myself saying in my head, "Oh, this was during." Or "This was afterwards." I also noticed that throughout 2012, I think I've made like five FTFK videos, and this whole "afterwards" issue is what's to blame. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I lost myself for a while, and I didn't feel that that was the best time to be making videos, so I'm sorry I've missed so much.

So much has happened this year so far, and it's only half over. I hope that next time my life decides to make some changes, it doesn't do it all at once. Because sure, I've made it out okay, but I didn't expect to.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

What some don't understand...

Is that I always look back. "Looking back" is my middle name.
I've been asked so many times "how to get over a break up" or "how to stop thinking about someone all the time" and in my opinion, there is no such thing as "getting over" someone, as long as they actually, you know, MEANT something to you.

The sad and honest truth is, to make the pain lessen, do whatever you can to not see them. Whether it be in a photograph or in person. The best way to stop thinking about everything so often is to try to convince your body that that person doesn't exist. Scary, is it not?

I'm not just talking about ex boyfriends or girlfriends, I mean friends as well. I've lost friends for absolutely no reason at all. One morning they just woke up and decided to erase me. And the only way to stop beating yourself up over them forgetting about you, is to pretend they don't exist.

But the second you accidentally make eye contact with them, everything comes flooding back. The burning desire to call them up and ask about their day, to text them because you found a street name with their last name, to show up at their house, pet their dog, talk to their sister, complain about the smell of their room, and watch them break their ribs. Most importantly however, is the stabbing realization that these things, these memories, they mean absolutely nothing to them anymore. They don't care how your day is, they don't care how you're doing, they don't care if they even see you again. They simply, don't care. 

Something I'll never understand is how someone can go from meaning "the whole" world to someone, to meaning absolutely nothing at all. Perhaps they lied when they said you were everything, perhaps they didn't mean it.
But when I say I love someone, or that I'll never forget them, I mean it. And no matter what anyone does, how shitty they've become, or if they no longer talk to me, they still have a place in my heart, and I always look back at those memories with a smile on my face.

Because even though the people may change, the time you shared with them does not.

Monday, May 14, 2012

I cannot believe that 2012 is nearly half over, I cannot believe I'm eight days away from completing my Junior year, I cannot believe how different my life is. I'm not sure how I feel about everything and the changes and what not, but I know for a fact I'm going to do everything in my power to make the best out of every situation, no matter how hard it is. Or atleast that's what I'm convincing myself right now because it's so nice out. I'm always more positive when the sun is shining, so as long as it stays sunny forever, nothing will ever touch me again, and everything will be okay, right? Right.

Never in a million years would I have guessed this is where I'd be today. I always love thinking about things like that, sometimes it really hurts to, other times it fills me with happiness.
When I was a little kid I thought music was dumb, well, at least music class. In fifth grade they'd make me go three times a week, and sing awkward songs. I remember promising myself I'd never take music once I was given the choice. But when sixth grade came along I joined choir, and it was literally the best decision of my life. Here I am nearly eight years later, I've made it to the top choir of my school, we're going to New York next April, there are two choirs in my schedule, and I've been in one ever since that first day of Middle School. If I went back in time and told nine year old Ally, "Hey, you're going to be taking TWO musics when you're seventeen." I'd probably punch future Ally in the face.

There are literally seven thousand other examples as to where I thought my life would be, and how I've been so pleasantly, and sometimes not so pleasantly surprised. But all I know is that this is life, and it'll keep moving. Sure, I'm really not one to talk. I over worry and stress, I have never been okay with what I've looked like or who I was, I haven't been able to keep anyone around for too long, and a number of other things that never leave my mind and drag me down every day... but you just kind of have to bulk up and make the best of whatever the day throws at you. And "bulk up" doesn't mean puffing up your chest and appearing strong. It could mean dedicating a day to crying and napping, just as long as you're staying on top of what you need to stay on top of. Just... do what feels right. And when you can't do what feels right, do what you can.

I'm making no sense. I don't know, I'm going to go walk around outside because the sun is calling my name.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Post

I've never been exceptionally well at titling things, so uh, my apologies.

It's been a little while since I've spewed my thoughts out onto a blog post. Partially because I'm trying to open up to people, but that hasn't been going so well in my favor, so here I am.

I'm almost at a loss for words, I don't even know where to begin, I'm okay, but not great. I haven't been "great" in quite some time. Of course some days are better than others, but overall, everything's just... fine I suppose. I'm not really sure why everything simply being adequate really bums me out. Adequate is better than depressed or angry, adequate is... normal. That's good, right?

While there really isn't anything to complain about, there's not that much to boast about either. I'm currently at an awkward limbo in which I feel entirely numb and detached from everyone and everything around me, and it's rather boring over here. I just sort of wake up, and take day after day. Go with the motions, try to sleep, over think everything, fail to get any sleep, get out of bed, go back to going with the motions, repeat.

There's not much going on, not much to look forward to, not much happening... Just school, work, and sitting around. There's a plethora of things to worry about, and as long as I'm not talking about them and I turtle myself away from everything and everyone, I am pretty good with just pretending they don't exist. I'm even better at not completing what I desperately need to complete, I should really get on that.

I don't know, while I was clicking the "new post" button I felt like I had so much more to say. I know I have so much more to say. However, my thoughts are in a glass jar just screaming to get out, but I can't quite hear them, so I'm sorry this post isn't very good.

Much love,
         Ally

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Overwhelmed

I haven't felt so incredibly ridiculous in so long. By "incredibly ridiculous" I'm talking about that feeling that eats at you from the inside out every waking moment. So you think that the times when you rest, you'll receive a brief, yet needed, break from them. However, these thoughts won't take a break, they have no intent on giving any mercy- and so for hour after hour you're left with them.

I've never had so much going on at one time before. Usually I have incredible balance when it comes down to my school work, my job, and house things. But having such awful things consume my mind day after day... just sucks the life and bones right out of me. I'll be sitting in class and just think to myself, "I can't even do this." crumple my paper, place my pen down, and just surrender to my thoughts.

I haven't been able to sleep, because I just dread the inevitable. I knew this was coming, I knew this was what I was getting myself into... I just thought it would be different. I thought that my beliefs towards such things would change. But they're not, I'm set, I'm stubborn. I'm a fucking realist, I may be a hopeless romantic, but I'm also quite realistic.

I just, don't feel like myself for going through with something like this. I feel like someone I'm not. I want to be a better person, and at first it was making me feel great letting things brush off my shoulders. But I'm at my breaking point, I seriously am an inch away from running outside and screaming my very lungs out.

I'm not even making any sense.
I just want some rest.