Monday, April 16, 2012

And today, I am happy.

"Now, I think you're just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back, I, uh, I really think you should look again."

I really wish I had a Rachel Hansen in my life. It's been three months and I'm just NOW realizing that not everything was perfect, and that there are better people out there, and that I deserve better, and I can find happiness if I allow it into my life. Everyone I talked to would say, "It'll get better, he'll turn around, you'll forgive and forget." Et cetera... Not a single person steered me away from the longing or crawling back, not one. Everyone just encouraged my self destructive behavior of returning to someone who was not good for me.

Today, I did look back. Not just in my mind. Journal and secret blog entries. Fuck, I was not happy, hardly ever. So many fights, so many awful things said, so many times my heart was completely smushed. I was broken up with so many times. I was 
deceived and even when I did nothing wrong, everything was all my fault. There's that really hip song, ahh what's the name again? Oh yeah, "somebody that I used to know" that goes, "Now and then I think of how you screwed me over, but had me believing it was always something that I've done." Well, it's April 16th, 2012 and I'd just like to say,

Aha! I did nothing wrong. I didn't deserve what you did. I didn't deserve half of the things you dragged me through. I didn't deserve to get yelled at, I didn't deserve all the horrible things you said, I didn't deserve any of that. I DIDN'T DESERVE IT!

Fuck that feels so good to actually say and believe. So much of this year was wasted away on me putting myself down, so harshly. "You deserved this. If you were better this wouldn't have happened. If you were prettier, or skinnier, or just better. If you were ANYTHING. You deserve everything bad that's happened to you because you're nothing." Or anything else god-awful.

Jesus Christ Ally, you're not ALL that bad. ;)

And today, I am happy. I am really really happy. My heart is beating really quite hard and I'm holding back a smile. I'm in a great mood. I'm feeling fine. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. I'm excited for what my future brings.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I just had a really nice day today.

I haven't much else to say.
It was just nice and wonderful and grand.

As petrifying as it may be... allow people into your life, no matter how far down the line, or close you know they'll be gone.
Enjoy them while you can.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Goals

   I remember being in Middle school and every month they would make us fill out a "goals" packet. They'd sit us down and give us a specific number of "goals" that we wanted to complete within the next month. Could not be more, could not be less. This frustrated me because, sometimes you have just one thing you're striving for. Sometimes it's one big thing, sometimes it's one small thing, sometimes you had a ton of big and little things. But no, you had to write out the "5" or how ever many things you had to accomplish within the next 30 or so days. Doing this, I would always get so pissed at how messed up it was. Sure, I had things I wanted to achieve. But FORCING me to write it out on paper, is NOT going to make me achieve them. Let me write them on my own time, or paint them, or sing them, or just tell myself every morning in the mirror. Let me have my own amount of goals whether it be 1 or 800.

   I remember this process making me think that the thought of goals were "stupid" and a waste of time. I mean yeah, there are things you'd like to happen, but being an angsty young lass, the fact that they were making me do something brought out my instinct to refuse.

   However, here I am. I'm seventeen. And there's some shit I'd like to happen GO.


Long-ish Term Goals

  1. Get a Job (Once you get a voice, call back ALL those places)
  2. Join Tumbling (or rejoin rather)*
  3. Start and finish The Hunger Games trilogy
  4. Do open mic nights with and create MUSIC with Ben.
  5. Take the ACT
  6. Take my AP Language and Composition Exam
  7. Complete my Junior Year of Highschool
  8. Save up money from said job, and visit Dana and Deidre over the summer (definitely happening)
  9. Make friends
  10. Learn how to use your Diana F+, Carry your Canon around with you more, take more pictures
  11. STOP putting all your effort and focus towards people that won't do an ounce for you
  12. DO NOT get a boyfriend*
  13. Continue writing on your blog, it's helping
Todays Goals

  1. Talk to Mama about rejoining tumbling
  2. Fill out some more applications online
  3. Clean your room
  4. Clean your rats
  5. Talk to Dana <3
  6. Start on your homework
  7. Read your Self Help Book
  8. Go outside*
The other day I found out that I made the top choir in my school. That was something that I have wanted since I was thirteen years old, and something I've admired for even longer. (Thirteen was just when I could start trying for it) It's something that I've just always wanted to be a part of, and it happened! And through this four months of shit and moping in my bed and having people be mean and hurtful... that was the one moment I really felt happy. I was excited and proud of myself. I was confident and ecstatic. I just think I need to do more shit that makes me feel those things, and perhaps the things above will accomplish that. I really need to just feel comfortable with being myself, I need to do things for me no matter how much I put myself down and no matter how much sometimes I don't want to.

I need to stop texting and calling people that don't care about me. I need to stop moping in bed like a middle aged woman crying about how Highschool were her glory days. Yes, I had friends once. Yes, they were incredible and they made me happy but fuck, they sort of suck now, big time. And even if someday they will finally hang out with me because they feel sorry for me, I'm never going to have those feelings back because they're not the same people. You can't just rewind and live in the past, no matter how much I want to. I was feeling an awful lot more confident writing this out before I got to this paragraph so I'm going to end it now with FUCK PEOPLE WHO SUCK.

2. Join tumbling (or rejoin rather)*
        Ever since I was little, I'd sign up for things. I did softball for a year, I did karate for like three, and I did tumbling. I really liked all of them until I quit, problem solved, those things aren't for me. I did softball in 3rd grade and hated it, I preferred playing it with my neighbors without the awkward pants and all the stupid rules. I liked kicking ass in karate when I was eleven but, I hated how we had to write essays, recite long sayings like we were in a cult, and do punches and kicks in an exact order instead of instinct and what was best. However, I remembered the other day. I did tumbling when I was about nine... and I loved it. Period. I loved flipping around, I thought it was so impressive. I never competed or got real far or anything, but I wanted to. And then I thought why I quit... I didn't. The classes were too expensive at the time and I had to stop. I remember being devastated. And fuck, would I love to flip around now. I have bad asthma, and I wanted to join a sport. I love being active and playing around. And I remember how much I loved tumbling. I'd really REALLY love to take it up again.

11. DO NOT get a boyfriend*
       I'm seventeen years old. I've had roughly five boyfriends since I was eleven years. I haven't been single (up until now) for more than two weeks since I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD. I dated someone for three years, three months, five months, then another two years. I've focused all of my love and energy on these specific individuals, who didn't give it back. And while none of them have excuses for being, for lack of a better word, dicks... who can blame them? We're all young. The last relationship I was in I was the happiest girl in the world. I would gnaw off my leg just to have those days back, and I'm not kidding. But things happened and we're no longer together. I was living the married life and while I was very happy and wanted to stick with it forever, it's not happening anymore. And here I am, alone, and I am a retard. A social one. I don't know how to live FOR myself. I don't know how to do things FOR myself. Through these four months I've learned that I kind of actually... like my body. I like who I am. When I'm not constantly comparing myself to all these potential beautiful women that my boyfriends could leave me for, and feeling like I have to compete just to keep someone around... I kind of like myself. And I kind of like kind of liking myself. And I'd like it to stay that way, thank you very much.

8. Go Outside*
        I got my tonsils out last Tuesday on the 3rd of April. The last time I have smelled the fresh air or even stepped outdoors was when I was being wheeled out of the hospital and walked into my house to recover. I haven't gone outside once. I LOVE being outside. Maybe I'll read my book outside. Whatever I do, I'm getting le fuck outside.

Abrupt ending. Not sure how to end this. Bye.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Denial Cycle... That I Don't Do

Today I came to the harsh and painful realization that I have no friends. Big surprise. I know I joke about it very very often (who on the internet doesn't?) but unfortunately, I'm being serious right about now.
I. Literally. Have. No. One.

Nothing depresses me more than going to the hospital, or rather, being admitted to the hospital. I've been to the ER a many times, but only been admitted twice. The first time was Freshman year, I was admitted for five days, Monday-Friday. An entire week of school. Not a single soul called, texted, messaged me on Facebook NOTHING about my absence. I thought that maybe the people I talk to consistently in class, text often, and, I don't know, HAVE SLEEPOVERS WITH would maybe notice my empty desk. But no, while I was discharged Friday and coherent enough to glance at my phone I had 0 messages, and 0 Facebook notifications.

I hate to admit this, but I am the kind of person that denies everything. Not in a way where I'll eat the last cookie, then say I did not. But I'll know the truth about something, then just pretend that it doesn't mean anything and convince myself that's not how it is. I'm bad with words... EXAMPLE.

My "friends" never invite me to anything.
Reality: They don't like you.
Ally thinks: "Nahh, they just forgot."

And I've been in denial for ages, and while it may not hit me right away, eventually I'll convince myself what "Ally thinks" and text them all up again. I'm like a divorced wife with a bottle of wine and a phone when it comes down to "friends." I'll text and text and text away with my heart on my sleeve just to get shot down again.

Ally: Hey!
Friend: Hi.
Ally: How is your life and living? :)
Friend: Fine.

A normal human being would accept that big fuck you slap to the face and move on. But I'll frown for a while, complain to a blog, and then probably text them again in a week or so just to get the same result and frown some more.

And thats not all. I just sit on Facebook and look at everyone and their exciting lives with all their exciting friends and just get sad. Facebook sucks. Facebook sucks so much. I can't even handle or begin to fathom the plethora of reasons why Facebook brings nothing but negativity to the world. I'll delete it for like two weeks, feel triumphant, then get bored (because I have no friends) so I'll reactivate it to stalk everyone.

Everyone in my life has packed up and moved on without me, and (pardon my Shrek reference) I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. Here I am trying to make light of the situation, but it's really bumming me out.

The whole talking about the hospital, then spewing this whole story of denial has a point. Here it is:

Last Tuesday I got my tonsils removed. And everyone knew about it. The whole school. Teachers I didn't even know were asking me about it or making that cliche, supposedly comforting, comment about "all the ice cream" I can eat. So I told myself, "Hey, last time I was gone from school people were just distracted and didn't notice. I mean, I don't know, I wasn't that close to anyone. No one KNEW I was going to the hospital. Not everyone jumps to the worst of conclusions after all. Everyone KNOWS about it this time. They KNOW I'll be lonley. I'll have people care." I had a few kids at school say, "I'll come over with ice cream and we'll watch movies all day!" or "I can't wait to visit you." So I felt real nice driving home after having my tonsils extracted from me, because I knew I would have lovely friends by my side to help me recover.

Here we are, day 8 of recovery. I've had one real visitor who actually stayed for a while. And one "How are you feeling today?" And they weren't referring to my throat.
Today I am finally accepting the big fuck you slap to the face. I have no friends. No amount of denial can coat waking up every morning to my ceiling, and staring at it until it gets dark again for 8 days straight.

I hate being sad. I would rather be angry, or nervous, or embarrassed ANYTHING but sad. When I feel sad I feel pathetic. I feel so needy. I feel like I suck the life out of everyone I talk to. I hate showing my feelings, actually no, I just hate showing them when I'm sad. Frankly no, I'm not proud to be one of the millions of teenagers saying, "0mgz eyem s0 d3pr3ssd" Because seriously, mental ailments are the new hip. But I'm beginning to worry, I feel like I have no control of what I'm feeling, and I'd like to know what to do to cheer le fuck up.