Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I miss you too

I'm not so sure anymore that the reason I've been feeling just a tad "better" is because I've gained more hope, rather than I've just become more content with hopelessness.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Positive Directions


I know, I’m absolutely positive actually, that my life is going somewhere spectacular.
I know that the things I’ve always wanted, I’m not going to give up on, and I’m going to make it all be reality.

It’s just that right now, things aren’t where I planned them to be, and that’s really okay. That’s life, things take unexpected turns for the worst all the time, I’ve kind of learned to accept that fact. However, that doesn’t ease my mind when I’m in such a silly little funk. All I’ve got to do at this point is re-shape my future, start from scratch, choose to get out of this funk and better my life rather than stay in this silly little point forever.
Things to look forward to/be jolly about:
  • My piano lesson in an hour
  • Andrew Bird concert on Sunday
  • Combing out my dreadlocks
  • Seeing my Texan family, spending time with my family in general
  • Pitchfork Music Festival
  • Seeing Dana again, spending loads of time with her
  • Going to Texas end of July
  • Getting a new job in August
  • Lollapalooza
  • Being a part of the Surround Sound Choir at my school
  • U.S. Gentleman of the Road Stopovers camping music festival
  • Turning 18
  • Getting out of school at 12:30, everyday
  • Taking classes at my local community college
  • Volunteering
  • Riot Fest
  • Visiting my dream college in New York on September 22nd (Seeing Deidre there)
  • Madrigal Dinner
  • Going to Arizona in December to visit my grandparents in the mountains
  • Being a part of theatre again, being in my first musical since 6th grade
  • Choir Tour, New York, New York, singing in the Lincoln Center, seeing a Broadway show
I’m getting out of this town, and I’m not saying my town is sucky, my town is beautiful, there’s a lot to do, trails to hike, lakes to ponder but I would be lying if I said that the people here were enjoyable. It’s not the size of my town, or the number of things to do that make me feel trapped, it’s the people. And I’m really excited to live in New York, to meet new people, to start completely fresh. To be known as my own person instead of being attached to not so pleasant things that I believed to be in the past, and no longer a part of me. That feeling… I can’t wait to have it. It’s going to be so refreshing, and so lovely. I look forward to it everyday, I look forward to all of this everyday.
But as of right now, I’m off to my lesson, then taking my car to the mechanic, a shower, signing up for college classes, and then summer homework. You gotta start somewhere to make the things you want to happen, happen.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Letter of sorts

Through the past year and a half I've been wondering why you no longer wished to be my friend. More specifically, in the past six months, I've been wondering why you decided to be his friend instead of mine once you came back.
It's sad, really, how long it's taken me. But it's even more sad what I've discovered.
You've always been the kind of person to just be or spend time with who can benefit you. Who can give you the most? Your friendships aren't about the relationship, it's always about you you you.
He can provide a safe place for you to always drink, or fuck your life away. He can play an instrument in your band. He can provide drugs. What can I provide? An actual friendship, which you'll whine about on your websites or your pathetic excuses for songs, but you never actually do anything to pursue them. You have friends just waiting for you to come back, just waiting for you to be yourself again. But you're a coward, just like him. You both cheat on the girls you're with, you both think your lives are so much harder than they actually are, you both don't know what to do with your time than to get drunk and play the same three chords on a guitar, and you both think you're a whole lot cooler than you actually are, though you pretend to hate yourselves to get attention and sympathy.
I was your best friend, he hated you, and you decided to come back and be his friend, while making up a whole lot of bullshit along the way. Both of you need to stop pretending, stop lying to yourselves, own up to your mistakes, because we all know you've made them, and we're all but ready to forgive you for them and move on, but you're both just too busy being complete assholes and hiding from reality. 
Do you have any idea how many times he's told me, up unti the past month, how you're not even his friend? How he doesn't care about any of you? How "I can have you guys back" because you don't matter? But that doesn't matter to you at all, he has beer in the fridge, what more could you possibly need, right?
What you don't understand is this band you idolize, this band that is on tour right now, plays incredible music, everyone loves them... are so different from you. They don't drink, or party, or take every drug that is offered to them. They have long term girlfriends, real relationships. They do well in school. They actually practice their instruments. You want to be like them so bad, then why are you throwing your lives away and only socialize with those who are equal or more drunk than you? 

The day you both realize that you really lost something good. Real friendships, real relationships, really golden opportunities and you get bored of this wanna-be punk lifestyle, I hope it's not too late because both of you are truly incredible people once you drop this facade. You're kind, loving, and truly fun to be around people, and I hope we can meet again someday.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Journal:

I used to write all of the things that used to make me happy down in a pink journal. Looking back on it, I realize how entirely different I was just a few months ago.

January 14th, 2012:

I love waking up to sunshine, a list of things to do, and a whole jar of ambition.
Sweatshirts that smell of cigarettes [yours]


January 16th, 2012:


I am so overwhelmingly happy right now. I love waking up early, there is so much time to complete so much... Oh! And I'm listening to The Shins "Wincing the Night Away" album. I always listened to this through my earbuds when walking to Andrew's house from mine. It reminds me of when things were a lot simpler. It makes me feel likt it's spring/coming to it. Ahh. :)

January 21st, 2012:


Powerpuff girls, Teen Mom, ordering things/getting things in the mail.


And that's when the list ended. That's when everything changed. That exact day. I'd like to start this list again, I'd like to get back in the swing of things, but nothing necessarily feels the same. It'd seem too forced. Happiness used to come so naturally to me, and now I feel like whenever I'm smiling or laughing at something, I don't find it all that enjoyable or all that funny. Whenever I'm out of the house hanging out with friends, I had to go through hell just to get them to spend time with me. I had to make a million phone calls, phone tag everyone several times, and even then, no one really seems to psyched to be in my presence. In fact, everything feels forced. I'm forcing myself to hang out with people. I'm forcing myself to be busy. I'm forcing myself to read, or to watch, or to listen. When the truth is, none of it is helping, none of it has helped, and it's not going to help. I'm done making myself get out of bed when all I want to do is curl into the covers. It's proven to be a lot more effective than allowing someone in, than letting my guard down, than putting my heart on my sleeve. So allow me to do that now. I'm turning my phone off, I'm turning everything off, I'm taking some Nyquil, I'm going to sleep the day away, and it's going to be the best day I've had in a while.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Running

I'm pretty sure that it is possible to run from your problems despite what everyone says. For if your problem is another person, running away allows you no means to contact them. Running away distracts you. Running away removes you from the familiar.

Right now, all I want to do is run away. I want to run from everything. My life is nowhere where I wanted it to be. Nowhere where I want it to be. And most importantly, nowhere where it should be.

All I do is work, and when I'm not working, I'm usually not enjoying myself. I can't leave my house, I can't hang out with anyone. Everywhere is stained with memories and everyone is moving on.

I'm probably just going to drive somewhere far away and enjoy some time to myself, wherever that may be, because I don't want to be here. I want to be somewhere else.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Life

Today I decided to take a gander at all of my old FTFK videos. Ya know, watch through them and what not. And aside from the obvious physical and hair changes, it became clear that my life has completely altered since I started FTFK.

Call me dumb, but I consider my previous relationship a large chunk of my life. And I feel like my life, due to it's shortness in length, is broken up into three parts. Before said relationship, during, and after. Right now, I'm in the after, and everything is okay. I wouldn't say they're better or worse, but they certainly are different.

I say this because while I was watching my videos sporadically and in no particular order I caught myself saying in my head, "Oh, this was during." Or "This was afterwards." I also noticed that throughout 2012, I think I've made like five FTFK videos, and this whole "afterwards" issue is what's to blame. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I lost myself for a while, and I didn't feel that that was the best time to be making videos, so I'm sorry I've missed so much.

So much has happened this year so far, and it's only half over. I hope that next time my life decides to make some changes, it doesn't do it all at once. Because sure, I've made it out okay, but I didn't expect to.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

What some don't understand...

Is that I always look back. "Looking back" is my middle name.
I've been asked so many times "how to get over a break up" or "how to stop thinking about someone all the time" and in my opinion, there is no such thing as "getting over" someone, as long as they actually, you know, MEANT something to you.

The sad and honest truth is, to make the pain lessen, do whatever you can to not see them. Whether it be in a photograph or in person. The best way to stop thinking about everything so often is to try to convince your body that that person doesn't exist. Scary, is it not?

I'm not just talking about ex boyfriends or girlfriends, I mean friends as well. I've lost friends for absolutely no reason at all. One morning they just woke up and decided to erase me. And the only way to stop beating yourself up over them forgetting about you, is to pretend they don't exist.

But the second you accidentally make eye contact with them, everything comes flooding back. The burning desire to call them up and ask about their day, to text them because you found a street name with their last name, to show up at their house, pet their dog, talk to their sister, complain about the smell of their room, and watch them break their ribs. Most importantly however, is the stabbing realization that these things, these memories, they mean absolutely nothing to them anymore. They don't care how your day is, they don't care how you're doing, they don't care if they even see you again. They simply, don't care. 

Something I'll never understand is how someone can go from meaning "the whole" world to someone, to meaning absolutely nothing at all. Perhaps they lied when they said you were everything, perhaps they didn't mean it.
But when I say I love someone, or that I'll never forget them, I mean it. And no matter what anyone does, how shitty they've become, or if they no longer talk to me, they still have a place in my heart, and I always look back at those memories with a smile on my face.

Because even though the people may change, the time you shared with them does not.

Monday, May 14, 2012

I cannot believe that 2012 is nearly half over, I cannot believe I'm eight days away from completing my Junior year, I cannot believe how different my life is. I'm not sure how I feel about everything and the changes and what not, but I know for a fact I'm going to do everything in my power to make the best out of every situation, no matter how hard it is. Or atleast that's what I'm convincing myself right now because it's so nice out. I'm always more positive when the sun is shining, so as long as it stays sunny forever, nothing will ever touch me again, and everything will be okay, right? Right.

Never in a million years would I have guessed this is where I'd be today. I always love thinking about things like that, sometimes it really hurts to, other times it fills me with happiness.
When I was a little kid I thought music was dumb, well, at least music class. In fifth grade they'd make me go three times a week, and sing awkward songs. I remember promising myself I'd never take music once I was given the choice. But when sixth grade came along I joined choir, and it was literally the best decision of my life. Here I am nearly eight years later, I've made it to the top choir of my school, we're going to New York next April, there are two choirs in my schedule, and I've been in one ever since that first day of Middle School. If I went back in time and told nine year old Ally, "Hey, you're going to be taking TWO musics when you're seventeen." I'd probably punch future Ally in the face.

There are literally seven thousand other examples as to where I thought my life would be, and how I've been so pleasantly, and sometimes not so pleasantly surprised. But all I know is that this is life, and it'll keep moving. Sure, I'm really not one to talk. I over worry and stress, I have never been okay with what I've looked like or who I was, I haven't been able to keep anyone around for too long, and a number of other things that never leave my mind and drag me down every day... but you just kind of have to bulk up and make the best of whatever the day throws at you. And "bulk up" doesn't mean puffing up your chest and appearing strong. It could mean dedicating a day to crying and napping, just as long as you're staying on top of what you need to stay on top of. Just... do what feels right. And when you can't do what feels right, do what you can.

I'm making no sense. I don't know, I'm going to go walk around outside because the sun is calling my name.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Post

I've never been exceptionally well at titling things, so uh, my apologies.

It's been a little while since I've spewed my thoughts out onto a blog post. Partially because I'm trying to open up to people, but that hasn't been going so well in my favor, so here I am.

I'm almost at a loss for words, I don't even know where to begin, I'm okay, but not great. I haven't been "great" in quite some time. Of course some days are better than others, but overall, everything's just... fine I suppose. I'm not really sure why everything simply being adequate really bums me out. Adequate is better than depressed or angry, adequate is... normal. That's good, right?

While there really isn't anything to complain about, there's not that much to boast about either. I'm currently at an awkward limbo in which I feel entirely numb and detached from everyone and everything around me, and it's rather boring over here. I just sort of wake up, and take day after day. Go with the motions, try to sleep, over think everything, fail to get any sleep, get out of bed, go back to going with the motions, repeat.

There's not much going on, not much to look forward to, not much happening... Just school, work, and sitting around. There's a plethora of things to worry about, and as long as I'm not talking about them and I turtle myself away from everything and everyone, I am pretty good with just pretending they don't exist. I'm even better at not completing what I desperately need to complete, I should really get on that.

I don't know, while I was clicking the "new post" button I felt like I had so much more to say. I know I have so much more to say. However, my thoughts are in a glass jar just screaming to get out, but I can't quite hear them, so I'm sorry this post isn't very good.

Much love,
         Ally

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Overwhelmed

I haven't felt so incredibly ridiculous in so long. By "incredibly ridiculous" I'm talking about that feeling that eats at you from the inside out every waking moment. So you think that the times when you rest, you'll receive a brief, yet needed, break from them. However, these thoughts won't take a break, they have no intent on giving any mercy- and so for hour after hour you're left with them.

I've never had so much going on at one time before. Usually I have incredible balance when it comes down to my school work, my job, and house things. But having such awful things consume my mind day after day... just sucks the life and bones right out of me. I'll be sitting in class and just think to myself, "I can't even do this." crumple my paper, place my pen down, and just surrender to my thoughts.

I haven't been able to sleep, because I just dread the inevitable. I knew this was coming, I knew this was what I was getting myself into... I just thought it would be different. I thought that my beliefs towards such things would change. But they're not, I'm set, I'm stubborn. I'm a fucking realist, I may be a hopeless romantic, but I'm also quite realistic.

I just, don't feel like myself for going through with something like this. I feel like someone I'm not. I want to be a better person, and at first it was making me feel great letting things brush off my shoulders. But I'm at my breaking point, I seriously am an inch away from running outside and screaming my very lungs out.

I'm not even making any sense.
I just want some rest.

Monday, April 16, 2012

And today, I am happy.

"Now, I think you're just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back, I, uh, I really think you should look again."

I really wish I had a Rachel Hansen in my life. It's been three months and I'm just NOW realizing that not everything was perfect, and that there are better people out there, and that I deserve better, and I can find happiness if I allow it into my life. Everyone I talked to would say, "It'll get better, he'll turn around, you'll forgive and forget." Et cetera... Not a single person steered me away from the longing or crawling back, not one. Everyone just encouraged my self destructive behavior of returning to someone who was not good for me.

Today, I did look back. Not just in my mind. Journal and secret blog entries. Fuck, I was not happy, hardly ever. So many fights, so many awful things said, so many times my heart was completely smushed. I was broken up with so many times. I was 
deceived and even when I did nothing wrong, everything was all my fault. There's that really hip song, ahh what's the name again? Oh yeah, "somebody that I used to know" that goes, "Now and then I think of how you screwed me over, but had me believing it was always something that I've done." Well, it's April 16th, 2012 and I'd just like to say,

Aha! I did nothing wrong. I didn't deserve what you did. I didn't deserve half of the things you dragged me through. I didn't deserve to get yelled at, I didn't deserve all the horrible things you said, I didn't deserve any of that. I DIDN'T DESERVE IT!

Fuck that feels so good to actually say and believe. So much of this year was wasted away on me putting myself down, so harshly. "You deserved this. If you were better this wouldn't have happened. If you were prettier, or skinnier, or just better. If you were ANYTHING. You deserve everything bad that's happened to you because you're nothing." Or anything else god-awful.

Jesus Christ Ally, you're not ALL that bad. ;)

And today, I am happy. I am really really happy. My heart is beating really quite hard and I'm holding back a smile. I'm in a great mood. I'm feeling fine. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. I'm excited for what my future brings.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I just had a really nice day today.

I haven't much else to say.
It was just nice and wonderful and grand.

As petrifying as it may be... allow people into your life, no matter how far down the line, or close you know they'll be gone.
Enjoy them while you can.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Goals

   I remember being in Middle school and every month they would make us fill out a "goals" packet. They'd sit us down and give us a specific number of "goals" that we wanted to complete within the next month. Could not be more, could not be less. This frustrated me because, sometimes you have just one thing you're striving for. Sometimes it's one big thing, sometimes it's one small thing, sometimes you had a ton of big and little things. But no, you had to write out the "5" or how ever many things you had to accomplish within the next 30 or so days. Doing this, I would always get so pissed at how messed up it was. Sure, I had things I wanted to achieve. But FORCING me to write it out on paper, is NOT going to make me achieve them. Let me write them on my own time, or paint them, or sing them, or just tell myself every morning in the mirror. Let me have my own amount of goals whether it be 1 or 800.

   I remember this process making me think that the thought of goals were "stupid" and a waste of time. I mean yeah, there are things you'd like to happen, but being an angsty young lass, the fact that they were making me do something brought out my instinct to refuse.

   However, here I am. I'm seventeen. And there's some shit I'd like to happen GO.


Long-ish Term Goals

  1. Get a Job (Once you get a voice, call back ALL those places)
  2. Join Tumbling (or rejoin rather)*
  3. Start and finish The Hunger Games trilogy
  4. Do open mic nights with and create MUSIC with Ben.
  5. Take the ACT
  6. Take my AP Language and Composition Exam
  7. Complete my Junior Year of Highschool
  8. Save up money from said job, and visit Dana and Deidre over the summer (definitely happening)
  9. Make friends
  10. Learn how to use your Diana F+, Carry your Canon around with you more, take more pictures
  11. STOP putting all your effort and focus towards people that won't do an ounce for you
  12. DO NOT get a boyfriend*
  13. Continue writing on your blog, it's helping
Todays Goals

  1. Talk to Mama about rejoining tumbling
  2. Fill out some more applications online
  3. Clean your room
  4. Clean your rats
  5. Talk to Dana <3
  6. Start on your homework
  7. Read your Self Help Book
  8. Go outside*
The other day I found out that I made the top choir in my school. That was something that I have wanted since I was thirteen years old, and something I've admired for even longer. (Thirteen was just when I could start trying for it) It's something that I've just always wanted to be a part of, and it happened! And through this four months of shit and moping in my bed and having people be mean and hurtful... that was the one moment I really felt happy. I was excited and proud of myself. I was confident and ecstatic. I just think I need to do more shit that makes me feel those things, and perhaps the things above will accomplish that. I really need to just feel comfortable with being myself, I need to do things for me no matter how much I put myself down and no matter how much sometimes I don't want to.

I need to stop texting and calling people that don't care about me. I need to stop moping in bed like a middle aged woman crying about how Highschool were her glory days. Yes, I had friends once. Yes, they were incredible and they made me happy but fuck, they sort of suck now, big time. And even if someday they will finally hang out with me because they feel sorry for me, I'm never going to have those feelings back because they're not the same people. You can't just rewind and live in the past, no matter how much I want to. I was feeling an awful lot more confident writing this out before I got to this paragraph so I'm going to end it now with FUCK PEOPLE WHO SUCK.

2. Join tumbling (or rejoin rather)*
        Ever since I was little, I'd sign up for things. I did softball for a year, I did karate for like three, and I did tumbling. I really liked all of them until I quit, problem solved, those things aren't for me. I did softball in 3rd grade and hated it, I preferred playing it with my neighbors without the awkward pants and all the stupid rules. I liked kicking ass in karate when I was eleven but, I hated how we had to write essays, recite long sayings like we were in a cult, and do punches and kicks in an exact order instead of instinct and what was best. However, I remembered the other day. I did tumbling when I was about nine... and I loved it. Period. I loved flipping around, I thought it was so impressive. I never competed or got real far or anything, but I wanted to. And then I thought why I quit... I didn't. The classes were too expensive at the time and I had to stop. I remember being devastated. And fuck, would I love to flip around now. I have bad asthma, and I wanted to join a sport. I love being active and playing around. And I remember how much I loved tumbling. I'd really REALLY love to take it up again.

11. DO NOT get a boyfriend*
       I'm seventeen years old. I've had roughly five boyfriends since I was eleven years. I haven't been single (up until now) for more than two weeks since I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD. I dated someone for three years, three months, five months, then another two years. I've focused all of my love and energy on these specific individuals, who didn't give it back. And while none of them have excuses for being, for lack of a better word, dicks... who can blame them? We're all young. The last relationship I was in I was the happiest girl in the world. I would gnaw off my leg just to have those days back, and I'm not kidding. But things happened and we're no longer together. I was living the married life and while I was very happy and wanted to stick with it forever, it's not happening anymore. And here I am, alone, and I am a retard. A social one. I don't know how to live FOR myself. I don't know how to do things FOR myself. Through these four months I've learned that I kind of actually... like my body. I like who I am. When I'm not constantly comparing myself to all these potential beautiful women that my boyfriends could leave me for, and feeling like I have to compete just to keep someone around... I kind of like myself. And I kind of like kind of liking myself. And I'd like it to stay that way, thank you very much.

8. Go Outside*
        I got my tonsils out last Tuesday on the 3rd of April. The last time I have smelled the fresh air or even stepped outdoors was when I was being wheeled out of the hospital and walked into my house to recover. I haven't gone outside once. I LOVE being outside. Maybe I'll read my book outside. Whatever I do, I'm getting le fuck outside.

Abrupt ending. Not sure how to end this. Bye.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Denial Cycle... That I Don't Do

Today I came to the harsh and painful realization that I have no friends. Big surprise. I know I joke about it very very often (who on the internet doesn't?) but unfortunately, I'm being serious right about now.
I. Literally. Have. No. One.

Nothing depresses me more than going to the hospital, or rather, being admitted to the hospital. I've been to the ER a many times, but only been admitted twice. The first time was Freshman year, I was admitted for five days, Monday-Friday. An entire week of school. Not a single soul called, texted, messaged me on Facebook NOTHING about my absence. I thought that maybe the people I talk to consistently in class, text often, and, I don't know, HAVE SLEEPOVERS WITH would maybe notice my empty desk. But no, while I was discharged Friday and coherent enough to glance at my phone I had 0 messages, and 0 Facebook notifications.

I hate to admit this, but I am the kind of person that denies everything. Not in a way where I'll eat the last cookie, then say I did not. But I'll know the truth about something, then just pretend that it doesn't mean anything and convince myself that's not how it is. I'm bad with words... EXAMPLE.

My "friends" never invite me to anything.
Reality: They don't like you.
Ally thinks: "Nahh, they just forgot."

And I've been in denial for ages, and while it may not hit me right away, eventually I'll convince myself what "Ally thinks" and text them all up again. I'm like a divorced wife with a bottle of wine and a phone when it comes down to "friends." I'll text and text and text away with my heart on my sleeve just to get shot down again.

Ally: Hey!
Friend: Hi.
Ally: How is your life and living? :)
Friend: Fine.

A normal human being would accept that big fuck you slap to the face and move on. But I'll frown for a while, complain to a blog, and then probably text them again in a week or so just to get the same result and frown some more.

And thats not all. I just sit on Facebook and look at everyone and their exciting lives with all their exciting friends and just get sad. Facebook sucks. Facebook sucks so much. I can't even handle or begin to fathom the plethora of reasons why Facebook brings nothing but negativity to the world. I'll delete it for like two weeks, feel triumphant, then get bored (because I have no friends) so I'll reactivate it to stalk everyone.

Everyone in my life has packed up and moved on without me, and (pardon my Shrek reference) I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. Here I am trying to make light of the situation, but it's really bumming me out.

The whole talking about the hospital, then spewing this whole story of denial has a point. Here it is:

Last Tuesday I got my tonsils removed. And everyone knew about it. The whole school. Teachers I didn't even know were asking me about it or making that cliche, supposedly comforting, comment about "all the ice cream" I can eat. So I told myself, "Hey, last time I was gone from school people were just distracted and didn't notice. I mean, I don't know, I wasn't that close to anyone. No one KNEW I was going to the hospital. Not everyone jumps to the worst of conclusions after all. Everyone KNOWS about it this time. They KNOW I'll be lonley. I'll have people care." I had a few kids at school say, "I'll come over with ice cream and we'll watch movies all day!" or "I can't wait to visit you." So I felt real nice driving home after having my tonsils extracted from me, because I knew I would have lovely friends by my side to help me recover.

Here we are, day 8 of recovery. I've had one real visitor who actually stayed for a while. And one "How are you feeling today?" And they weren't referring to my throat.
Today I am finally accepting the big fuck you slap to the face. I have no friends. No amount of denial can coat waking up every morning to my ceiling, and staring at it until it gets dark again for 8 days straight.

I hate being sad. I would rather be angry, or nervous, or embarrassed ANYTHING but sad. When I feel sad I feel pathetic. I feel so needy. I feel like I suck the life out of everyone I talk to. I hate showing my feelings, actually no, I just hate showing them when I'm sad. Frankly no, I'm not proud to be one of the millions of teenagers saying, "0mgz eyem s0 d3pr3ssd" Because seriously, mental ailments are the new hip. But I'm beginning to worry, I feel like I have no control of what I'm feeling, and I'd like to know what to do to cheer le fuck up.