I used to write all of the things that used to make me happy down in a pink journal. Looking back on it, I realize how entirely different I was just a few months ago.
January 14th, 2012:
I love waking up to sunshine, a list of things to do, and a whole jar of ambition.
Sweatshirts that smell of cigarettes [yours]
January 16th, 2012:
I am so overwhelmingly happy right now. I love waking up early, there is so much time to complete so much... Oh! And I'm listening to The Shins "Wincing the Night Away" album. I always listened to this through my earbuds when walking to Andrew's house from mine. It reminds me of when things were a lot simpler. It makes me feel likt it's spring/coming to it. Ahh. :)
January 21st, 2012:
Powerpuff girls, Teen Mom, ordering things/getting things in the mail.
And that's when the list ended. That's when everything changed. That exact day. I'd like to start this list again, I'd like to get back in the swing of things, but nothing necessarily feels the same. It'd seem too forced. Happiness used to come so naturally to me, and now I feel like whenever I'm smiling or laughing at something, I don't find it all that enjoyable or all that funny. Whenever I'm out of the house hanging out with friends, I had to go through hell just to get them to spend time with me. I had to make a million phone calls, phone tag everyone several times, and even then, no one really seems to psyched to be in my presence. In fact, everything feels forced. I'm forcing myself to hang out with people. I'm forcing myself to be busy. I'm forcing myself to read, or to watch, or to listen. When the truth is, none of it is helping, none of it has helped, and it's not going to help. I'm done making myself get out of bed when all I want to do is curl into the covers. It's proven to be a lot more effective than allowing someone in, than letting my guard down, than putting my heart on my sleeve. So allow me to do that now. I'm turning my phone off, I'm turning everything off, I'm taking some Nyquil, I'm going to sleep the day away, and it's going to be the best day I've had in a while.