I haven't felt so incredibly ridiculous in so long. By "incredibly ridiculous" I'm talking about that feeling that eats at you from the inside out every waking moment. So you think that the times when you rest, you'll receive a brief, yet needed, break from them. However, these thoughts won't take a break, they have no intent on giving any mercy- and so for hour after hour you're left with them.
I've never had so much going on at one time before. Usually I have incredible balance when it comes down to my school work, my job, and house things. But having such awful things consume my mind day after day... just sucks the life and bones right out of me. I'll be sitting in class and just think to myself, "I can't even do this." crumple my paper, place my pen down, and just surrender to my thoughts.
I haven't been able to sleep, because I just dread the inevitable. I knew this was coming, I knew this was what I was getting myself into... I just thought it would be different. I thought that my beliefs towards such things would change. But they're not, I'm set, I'm stubborn. I'm a fucking realist, I may be a hopeless romantic, but I'm also quite realistic.
I just, don't feel like myself for going through with something like this. I feel like someone I'm not. I want to be a better person, and at first it was making me feel great letting things brush off my shoulders. But I'm at my breaking point, I seriously am an inch away from running outside and screaming my very lungs out.
I'm not even making any sense.
I just want some rest.