Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Denial Cycle... That I Don't Do

Today I came to the harsh and painful realization that I have no friends. Big surprise. I know I joke about it very very often (who on the internet doesn't?) but unfortunately, I'm being serious right about now.
I. Literally. Have. No. One.

Nothing depresses me more than going to the hospital, or rather, being admitted to the hospital. I've been to the ER a many times, but only been admitted twice. The first time was Freshman year, I was admitted for five days, Monday-Friday. An entire week of school. Not a single soul called, texted, messaged me on Facebook NOTHING about my absence. I thought that maybe the people I talk to consistently in class, text often, and, I don't know, HAVE SLEEPOVERS WITH would maybe notice my empty desk. But no, while I was discharged Friday and coherent enough to glance at my phone I had 0 messages, and 0 Facebook notifications.

I hate to admit this, but I am the kind of person that denies everything. Not in a way where I'll eat the last cookie, then say I did not. But I'll know the truth about something, then just pretend that it doesn't mean anything and convince myself that's not how it is. I'm bad with words... EXAMPLE.

My "friends" never invite me to anything.
Reality: They don't like you.
Ally thinks: "Nahh, they just forgot."

And I've been in denial for ages, and while it may not hit me right away, eventually I'll convince myself what "Ally thinks" and text them all up again. I'm like a divorced wife with a bottle of wine and a phone when it comes down to "friends." I'll text and text and text away with my heart on my sleeve just to get shot down again.

Ally: Hey!
Friend: Hi.
Ally: How is your life and living? :)
Friend: Fine.

A normal human being would accept that big fuck you slap to the face and move on. But I'll frown for a while, complain to a blog, and then probably text them again in a week or so just to get the same result and frown some more.

And thats not all. I just sit on Facebook and look at everyone and their exciting lives with all their exciting friends and just get sad. Facebook sucks. Facebook sucks so much. I can't even handle or begin to fathom the plethora of reasons why Facebook brings nothing but negativity to the world. I'll delete it for like two weeks, feel triumphant, then get bored (because I have no friends) so I'll reactivate it to stalk everyone.

Everyone in my life has packed up and moved on without me, and (pardon my Shrek reference) I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. Here I am trying to make light of the situation, but it's really bumming me out.

The whole talking about the hospital, then spewing this whole story of denial has a point. Here it is:

Last Tuesday I got my tonsils removed. And everyone knew about it. The whole school. Teachers I didn't even know were asking me about it or making that cliche, supposedly comforting, comment about "all the ice cream" I can eat. So I told myself, "Hey, last time I was gone from school people were just distracted and didn't notice. I mean, I don't know, I wasn't that close to anyone. No one KNEW I was going to the hospital. Not everyone jumps to the worst of conclusions after all. Everyone KNOWS about it this time. They KNOW I'll be lonley. I'll have people care." I had a few kids at school say, "I'll come over with ice cream and we'll watch movies all day!" or "I can't wait to visit you." So I felt real nice driving home after having my tonsils extracted from me, because I knew I would have lovely friends by my side to help me recover.

Here we are, day 8 of recovery. I've had one real visitor who actually stayed for a while. And one "How are you feeling today?" And they weren't referring to my throat.
Today I am finally accepting the big fuck you slap to the face. I have no friends. No amount of denial can coat waking up every morning to my ceiling, and staring at it until it gets dark again for 8 days straight.

I hate being sad. I would rather be angry, or nervous, or embarrassed ANYTHING but sad. When I feel sad I feel pathetic. I feel so needy. I feel like I suck the life out of everyone I talk to. I hate showing my feelings, actually no, I just hate showing them when I'm sad. Frankly no, I'm not proud to be one of the millions of teenagers saying, "0mgz eyem s0 d3pr3ssd" Because seriously, mental ailments are the new hip. But I'm beginning to worry, I feel like I have no control of what I'm feeling, and I'd like to know what to do to cheer le fuck up.


  1. I just read your two blogs posts and it's like they're coming straight from my mouth... I haven't had real friends since graduating from high school. Everyone went their separate ways and I came to college and suddenly it's like I was back in kindergarten with everyone around me socializing and me just sitting back not knowing how to make friends. :/
    If you ever need anyone to talk to. I'll talk :)

    1. That's really sweet of you.
      It's kind of awful, but misery loves company. Nothing makes me feel like everything is going to be okay more than knowing that there are a-many suffering alongside me.
      Let's do this!

  2. I relate so much to this. I had a simular situation when i had surgery. Nobody even bothered asking why i missed school for a week and when i came back nobody asked about my absence. This makes me feel better to know someone else is going through almost the exact same thing, and (how cliche but..) I'm not alone.

    Also i agree with how people think its cool to be depressed. People draw attention to how "depressed" they are for sympathy sometimes. Some girls i know cut themselves because they think its cool and they see it all over tumblr. I guess being self-destructive is cool now..

    1. Exactly... it's awful. I don't understand the trend. Perhaps if it weren't such a hype I wouldn't be so emberassed to do something about it.

      And no, it's not cliche. I always feel comforted knowing I'm not alone. Nothing is worse than being at your worst or weakest after a surgery and being reminded every morning that no one cares... how on earth are you supposed to heal like that, or even care if you do?

  3. Well, like your other two comments, I'm in the same boat. I especially relate to the last part. For the very first time in my 19 years, I am sad. I cry every. single. day. Do people who claim to be "d3pre$$D" (over-kill?) realise how difficult it is to lead a normal life when you're at constant risk of bursting into tears?

    Today I cried, in the library. I'm in a college with 26,000 other students and I'm sitting in the main library crying. And what's more it's for no obvious reason.

    This is fine, my depression is no one's fault, not even my own, I know that. But this whole new trend with suicide, self-harming and "depression" takes away from my illness. I am actually depressed. I struggle to get out of bed every, single morning. This is not laziness, I'm always awake, I just can't do it.

    I feel like crap all the time, I have no interest in anything. I struggle to keep in contact with the few friends I have, because I do not care about anything any more.

    I say I don't care, yet my tears can't mean nothing.

    I want to say thank you for having the space to let me write this.

    1. It helps to type everything out, doesn't it?

      I completely understand where you're coming from, especially with the whole "keep in contact with friends" thing. Because whenever I do RARELY have plans with someone, I bail. Everytime. I just feel like I want to be alone, then feel sad because I'm alone. I don't know why, I know I'd have a better time in pleasant company and distracted. I just stay in bed.

      Keep your chin up, or at least try your best. You're not alone.

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  5. This is so relateable to me you have no idea. Last summer, I was stuck in the house for about 2 solid months because of my back surgery, and no one came other than my "best friend" who just barged in and played on my computer and ate all my food.

    I'm only in my Freshman year of high school, and I feel like everyone is against me. My past "boyfriend" (we only "dated" for 2 weeks) still talks bad about me and how awful I am for breaking up with him. He was tearing me down and making me feel awful about myself, and I was all like, "Fuck this, I don't need any of this drama!" and then broke up with him. And now all the people at school are like "How are you and Patrick doing?" and mocking me.

    But anyhow, on another note; If you ever need anyone to rant at or to talk about stuff with, you can always talk to me about anything. Seriously, I had to talk my friend's ex-boyfriend out of suicide last night. I'm plenty of help.


  6. Ally,

    This post (and your second one) is very moving and thought-provoking. You are very intelligent and a good writer. I’m not going to say anything here that you surely haven’t already thought up yourself, but here goes….

    Try not to develop high expectations, then you won’t be disappointed. People suck and generally don’t care. I don’t really want to encourage this, but have you considered NOT allowing yourself to get too close to anyone? You will miss out on a lot of the “highs” of life, but on the other hand, you won’t have to experience the “lows” of disappointment either.

    Nothing beats your family, I mean, if you have a “good” one, which it seems that you do. THEY have been there for you throughout everything, right? I know you do appreciate them. Family can be better than friends.

    Don’t limit your definition of “friends” to real-life only. You said you have no friends, but you also mentioned three Tumblr friends and two YouTube friends. They are real friends too, who I assume have been checking up on you, even though they can’t visit you in person.

    Staying single for a while might really help you to find your true self and really allow you to be independent. You don’t need anyone to make you complete. Also, the part about not experiencing those “highs” and “lows” really applies to this. I’m older than you and have avoided ever having a relationship, because of shyness, but also to avoid what must be terrible feelings when a relationship ends. I know I’ve missed out on lots of happiness, but I’ve avoided depression as well.

    I don’t know any facts, of course, but Andrew must be an absolute fucking moron to allow himself to lose his relationship with you. I’m sure breaking up wasn’t “your idea,” and it’s so hard to believe that you guys couldn’t work out ANY hardship that life threw at you. Seeing relationships as strong as yours that don’t last reinforces my fear of ever allowing myself to enter into one. That said, you’ll find someone even better, IF you want to, but no hurry, and staying single’s not so bad either.

    I have to give you tons of credit for simply surviving the past couple of months. You are so strong to move on and keep living. Amazing.

    Have you ever considered collecting anything? Try to pick something that interests you and is not necessarily expensive, but that takes lots of time to find/sort/organize/etc. A good “collection” can provide a solitary pastime with a meaningful purpose.

    I hope you keep writing this blog. You’re an awesome person, and you make a lot of people really happy just by sharing a little of yourself online. Thanks for being you.

    1. I retract what I said about being surprised that you and Andrew couldn't work through any hardship. I obviously didn't know the half of it, and I guess things weren't nearly as perfect as they seemed. :(

      Yay for your new-found happiness. :D

  7. hey ally same here dont worry gal many fans of the one and only amazing ally are here for you!! :)your super amazing your videos bring the biggest smile on my face i watch them over and over :)

  8. I can relate to so much you said, but it's also weird when you have "friends" who pretend to be your friend then say snarky things about you, or when you actually have friends and then ignoring them so you can be alone.
    I was in the hospital in second grade due to a kidney surgery, and only one person besides my family cared. I had no friends beside her in the second grade. Then in February, I was in the hospital for a week due to on-set type one diabetes, everyone went crazy, posting all over my walls and crap. but none of it felt genuine. then when I missed a ton of school this semester because of how sick I kept getting, everyone, including teachers put it against me. Telling me I was going to fail, talking to me like I was some alien that didn't deserve anything. Last summer, I didn't go anywhere, and I mean ANYWHERE. No one cared. No one tried to get in touch with me, no one's trying now. And last summer was the beginning of my self-harm addiction. I've been suffering from dysthymia for three years, my parent's couldn't give less of a shit. I feel like I'm losing more and more friends including family due to my issues. I really don't like it...at all.

    So, I can relate. I know how it feels, sweet.