Today I came to the harsh and painful realization that I have no friends. Big surprise. I know I joke about it very very often (who on the internet doesn't?) but unfortunately, I'm being serious right about now.
I. Literally. Have. No. One.
Nothing depresses me more than going to the hospital, or rather, being admitted to the hospital. I've been to the ER a many times, but only been admitted twice. The first time was Freshman year, I was admitted for five days, Monday-Friday. An entire week of school. Not a single soul called, texted, messaged me on Facebook NOTHING about my absence. I thought that maybe the people I talk to consistently in class, text often, and, I don't know, HAVE SLEEPOVERS WITH would maybe notice my empty desk. But no, while I was discharged Friday and coherent enough to glance at my phone I had 0 messages, and 0 Facebook notifications.
I hate to admit this, but I am the kind of person that denies everything. Not in a way where I'll eat the last cookie, then say I did not. But I'll know the truth about something, then just pretend that it doesn't mean anything and convince myself that's not how it is. I'm bad with words... EXAMPLE.
My "friends" never invite me to anything.
Reality: They don't like you.
Ally thinks: "Nahh, they just forgot."
And I've been in denial for ages, and while it may not hit me right away, eventually I'll convince myself what "Ally thinks" and text them all up again. I'm like a divorced wife with a bottle of wine and a phone when it comes down to "friends." I'll text and text and text away with my heart on my sleeve just to get shot down again.
Ally: How is your life and living? :)
A normal human being would accept that big fuck you slap to the face and move on. But I'll frown for a while, complain to a blog, and then probably text them again in a week or so just to get the same result and frown some more.
And thats not all. I just sit on Facebook and look at everyone and their exciting lives with all their exciting friends and just get sad. Facebook sucks. Facebook sucks so much. I can't even handle or begin to fathom the plethora of reasons why Facebook brings nothing but negativity to the world. I'll delete it for like two weeks, feel triumphant, then get bored (because I have no friends) so I'll reactivate it to stalk everyone.
Everyone in my life has packed up and moved on without me, and (pardon my Shrek reference) I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. Here I am trying to make light of the situation, but it's really bumming me out.
The whole talking about the hospital, then spewing this whole story of denial has a point. Here it is:
Last Tuesday I got my tonsils removed. And everyone knew about it. The whole school. Teachers I didn't even know were asking me about it or making that cliche, supposedly comforting, comment about "all the ice cream" I can eat. So I told myself, "Hey, last time I was gone from school people were just distracted and didn't notice. I mean, I don't know, I wasn't that close to anyone. No one KNEW I was going to the hospital. Not everyone jumps to the worst of conclusions after all. Everyone KNOWS about it this time. They KNOW I'll be lonley. I'll have people care." I had a few kids at school say, "I'll come over with ice cream and we'll watch movies all day!" or "I can't wait to visit you." So I felt real nice driving home after having my tonsils extracted from me, because I knew I would have lovely friends by my side to help me recover.
Here we are, day 8 of recovery. I've had one real visitor who actually stayed for a while. And one "How are you feeling today?" And they weren't referring to my throat.
Today I am finally accepting the big fuck you slap to the face. I have no friends. No amount of denial can coat waking up every morning to my ceiling, and staring at it until it gets dark again for 8 days straight.
I hate being sad. I would rather be angry, or nervous, or embarrassed ANYTHING but sad. When I feel sad I feel pathetic. I feel so needy. I feel like I suck the life out of everyone I talk to. I hate showing my feelings, actually no, I just hate showing them when I'm sad. Frankly no, I'm not proud to be one of the millions of teenagers saying, "0mgz eyem s0 d3pr3ssd" Because seriously, mental ailments are the new hip. But I'm beginning to worry, I feel like I have no control of what I'm feeling, and I'd like to know what to do to cheer le fuck up.