I remember this process making me think that the thought of goals were "stupid" and a waste of time. I mean yeah, there are things you'd like to happen, but being an angsty young lass, the fact that they were making me do something brought out my instinct to refuse.
However, here I am. I'm seventeen. And there's some shit I'd like to happen GO.
Long-ish Term Goals
- Get a Job (Once you get a voice, call back ALL those places)
- Join Tumbling (or rejoin rather)*
- Start and finish The Hunger Games trilogy
- Do open mic nights with and create MUSIC with Ben.
- Take the ACT
- Take my AP Language and Composition Exam
- Complete my Junior Year of Highschool
- Save up money from said job, and visit Dana and Deidre over the summer (definitely happening)
- Make friends
- Learn how to use your Diana F+, Carry your Canon around with you more, take more pictures
- STOP putting all your effort and focus towards people that won't do an ounce for you
- DO NOT get a boyfriend*
- Continue writing on your blog, it's helping
- Talk to Mama about rejoining tumbling
- Fill out some more applications online
- Clean your room
- Clean your rats
- Talk to Dana <3
- Start on your homework
- Read your Self Help Book
- Go outside*
I need to stop texting and calling people that don't care about me. I need to stop moping in bed like a middle aged woman crying about how Highschool were her glory days. Yes, I had friends once. Yes, they were incredible and they made me happy but fuck, they sort of suck now, big time. And even if someday they will finally hang out with me because they feel sorry for me, I'm never going to have those feelings back because they're not the same people. You can't just rewind and live in the past, no matter how much I want to. I was feeling an awful lot more confident writing this out before I got to this paragraph so I'm going to end it now with FUCK PEOPLE WHO SUCK.
2. Join tumbling (or rejoin rather)*
Ever since I was little, I'd sign up for things. I did softball for a year, I did karate for like three, and I did tumbling. I really liked all of them until I quit, problem solved, those things aren't for me. I did softball in 3rd grade and hated it, I preferred playing it with my neighbors without the awkward pants and all the stupid rules. I liked kicking ass in karate when I was eleven but, I hated how we had to write essays, recite long sayings like we were in a cult, and do punches and kicks in an exact order instead of instinct and what was best. However, I remembered the other day. I did tumbling when I was about nine... and I loved it. Period. I loved flipping around, I thought it was so impressive. I never competed or got real far or anything, but I wanted to. And then I thought why I quit... I didn't. The classes were too expensive at the time and I had to stop. I remember being devastated. And fuck, would I love to flip around now. I have bad asthma, and I wanted to join a sport. I love being active and playing around. And I remember how much I loved tumbling. I'd really REALLY love to take it up again.
11. DO NOT get a boyfriend*
I'm seventeen years old. I've had roughly five boyfriends since I was eleven years. I haven't been single (up until now) for more than two weeks since I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD. I dated someone for three years, three months, five months, then another two years. I've focused all of my love and energy on these specific individuals, who didn't give it back. And while none of them have excuses for being, for lack of a better word, dicks... who can blame them? We're all young. The last relationship I was in I was the happiest girl in the world. I would gnaw off my leg just to have those days back, and I'm not kidding. But things happened and we're no longer together. I was living the married life and while I was very happy and wanted to stick with it forever, it's not happening anymore. And here I am, alone, and I am a retard. A social one. I don't know how to live FOR myself. I don't know how to do things FOR myself. Through these four months I've learned that I kind of actually... like my body. I like who I am. When I'm not constantly comparing myself to all these potential beautiful women that my boyfriends could leave me for, and feeling like I have to compete just to keep someone around... I kind of like myself. And I kind of like kind of liking myself. And I'd like it to stay that way, thank you very much.
8. Go Outside*
I got my tonsils out last Tuesday on the 3rd of April. The last time I have smelled the fresh air or even stepped outdoors was when I was being wheeled out of the hospital and walked into my house to recover. I haven't gone outside once. I LOVE being outside. Maybe I'll read my book outside. Whatever I do, I'm getting le fuck outside.
Abrupt ending. Not sure how to end this. Bye.