Wednesday, April 11, 2012


   I remember being in Middle school and every month they would make us fill out a "goals" packet. They'd sit us down and give us a specific number of "goals" that we wanted to complete within the next month. Could not be more, could not be less. This frustrated me because, sometimes you have just one thing you're striving for. Sometimes it's one big thing, sometimes it's one small thing, sometimes you had a ton of big and little things. But no, you had to write out the "5" or how ever many things you had to accomplish within the next 30 or so days. Doing this, I would always get so pissed at how messed up it was. Sure, I had things I wanted to achieve. But FORCING me to write it out on paper, is NOT going to make me achieve them. Let me write them on my own time, or paint them, or sing them, or just tell myself every morning in the mirror. Let me have my own amount of goals whether it be 1 or 800.

   I remember this process making me think that the thought of goals were "stupid" and a waste of time. I mean yeah, there are things you'd like to happen, but being an angsty young lass, the fact that they were making me do something brought out my instinct to refuse.

   However, here I am. I'm seventeen. And there's some shit I'd like to happen GO.

Long-ish Term Goals

  1. Get a Job (Once you get a voice, call back ALL those places)
  2. Join Tumbling (or rejoin rather)*
  3. Start and finish The Hunger Games trilogy
  4. Do open mic nights with and create MUSIC with Ben.
  5. Take the ACT
  6. Take my AP Language and Composition Exam
  7. Complete my Junior Year of Highschool
  8. Save up money from said job, and visit Dana and Deidre over the summer (definitely happening)
  9. Make friends
  10. Learn how to use your Diana F+, Carry your Canon around with you more, take more pictures
  11. STOP putting all your effort and focus towards people that won't do an ounce for you
  12. DO NOT get a boyfriend*
  13. Continue writing on your blog, it's helping
Todays Goals

  1. Talk to Mama about rejoining tumbling
  2. Fill out some more applications online
  3. Clean your room
  4. Clean your rats
  5. Talk to Dana <3
  6. Start on your homework
  7. Read your Self Help Book
  8. Go outside*
The other day I found out that I made the top choir in my school. That was something that I have wanted since I was thirteen years old, and something I've admired for even longer. (Thirteen was just when I could start trying for it) It's something that I've just always wanted to be a part of, and it happened! And through this four months of shit and moping in my bed and having people be mean and hurtful... that was the one moment I really felt happy. I was excited and proud of myself. I was confident and ecstatic. I just think I need to do more shit that makes me feel those things, and perhaps the things above will accomplish that. I really need to just feel comfortable with being myself, I need to do things for me no matter how much I put myself down and no matter how much sometimes I don't want to.

I need to stop texting and calling people that don't care about me. I need to stop moping in bed like a middle aged woman crying about how Highschool were her glory days. Yes, I had friends once. Yes, they were incredible and they made me happy but fuck, they sort of suck now, big time. And even if someday they will finally hang out with me because they feel sorry for me, I'm never going to have those feelings back because they're not the same people. You can't just rewind and live in the past, no matter how much I want to. I was feeling an awful lot more confident writing this out before I got to this paragraph so I'm going to end it now with FUCK PEOPLE WHO SUCK.

2. Join tumbling (or rejoin rather)*
        Ever since I was little, I'd sign up for things. I did softball for a year, I did karate for like three, and I did tumbling. I really liked all of them until I quit, problem solved, those things aren't for me. I did softball in 3rd grade and hated it, I preferred playing it with my neighbors without the awkward pants and all the stupid rules. I liked kicking ass in karate when I was eleven but, I hated how we had to write essays, recite long sayings like we were in a cult, and do punches and kicks in an exact order instead of instinct and what was best. However, I remembered the other day. I did tumbling when I was about nine... and I loved it. Period. I loved flipping around, I thought it was so impressive. I never competed or got real far or anything, but I wanted to. And then I thought why I quit... I didn't. The classes were too expensive at the time and I had to stop. I remember being devastated. And fuck, would I love to flip around now. I have bad asthma, and I wanted to join a sport. I love being active and playing around. And I remember how much I loved tumbling. I'd really REALLY love to take it up again.

11. DO NOT get a boyfriend*
       I'm seventeen years old. I've had roughly five boyfriends since I was eleven years. I haven't been single (up until now) for more than two weeks since I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD. I dated someone for three years, three months, five months, then another two years. I've focused all of my love and energy on these specific individuals, who didn't give it back. And while none of them have excuses for being, for lack of a better word, dicks... who can blame them? We're all young. The last relationship I was in I was the happiest girl in the world. I would gnaw off my leg just to have those days back, and I'm not kidding. But things happened and we're no longer together. I was living the married life and while I was very happy and wanted to stick with it forever, it's not happening anymore. And here I am, alone, and I am a retard. A social one. I don't know how to live FOR myself. I don't know how to do things FOR myself. Through these four months I've learned that I kind of actually... like my body. I like who I am. When I'm not constantly comparing myself to all these potential beautiful women that my boyfriends could leave me for, and feeling like I have to compete just to keep someone around... I kind of like myself. And I kind of like kind of liking myself. And I'd like it to stay that way, thank you very much.

8. Go Outside*
        I got my tonsils out last Tuesday on the 3rd of April. The last time I have smelled the fresh air or even stepped outdoors was when I was being wheeled out of the hospital and walked into my house to recover. I haven't gone outside once. I LOVE being outside. Maybe I'll read my book outside. Whatever I do, I'm getting le fuck outside.

Abrupt ending. Not sure how to end this. Bye.

1 comment:

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