Monday, April 16, 2012

And today, I am happy.

"Now, I think you're just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back, I, uh, I really think you should look again."

I really wish I had a Rachel Hansen in my life. It's been three months and I'm just NOW realizing that not everything was perfect, and that there are better people out there, and that I deserve better, and I can find happiness if I allow it into my life. Everyone I talked to would say, "It'll get better, he'll turn around, you'll forgive and forget." Et cetera... Not a single person steered me away from the longing or crawling back, not one. Everyone just encouraged my self destructive behavior of returning to someone who was not good for me.

Today, I did look back. Not just in my mind. Journal and secret blog entries. Fuck, I was not happy, hardly ever. So many fights, so many awful things said, so many times my heart was completely smushed. I was broken up with so many times. I was 
deceived and even when I did nothing wrong, everything was all my fault. There's that really hip song, ahh what's the name again? Oh yeah, "somebody that I used to know" that goes, "Now and then I think of how you screwed me over, but had me believing it was always something that I've done." Well, it's April 16th, 2012 and I'd just like to say,

Aha! I did nothing wrong. I didn't deserve what you did. I didn't deserve half of the things you dragged me through. I didn't deserve to get yelled at, I didn't deserve all the horrible things you said, I didn't deserve any of that. I DIDN'T DESERVE IT!

Fuck that feels so good to actually say and believe. So much of this year was wasted away on me putting myself down, so harshly. "You deserved this. If you were better this wouldn't have happened. If you were prettier, or skinnier, or just better. If you were ANYTHING. You deserve everything bad that's happened to you because you're nothing." Or anything else god-awful.

Jesus Christ Ally, you're not ALL that bad. ;)

And today, I am happy. I am really really happy. My heart is beating really quite hard and I'm holding back a smile. I'm in a great mood. I'm feeling fine. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. I'm excited for what my future brings.

3 comments:

  1. It's that whole thing, looking at the past with rose tinted glasses. Take them off. As I commented on another of your entries, I've been depressed for a long time. Last week my counsellor asked me when the last time was that I was happy, and I couldn't actually remember. I've been crying for weeks and weeks, bursting into tears, feeling like crap. My boyfriend of ten months broke up with me on the phone on Friday. I haven't cried one bit. I keep thinking, he's probably rebounded onto someone else, and if he hasn't yet, he will. He's going to hug someone else, kiss someone else, love someone else. He's going to take her home to meet his parents, they're going to eat dinner together like we did. They're going to build the life together that we won't get to have, they're going to move out together, go to the cinema together, go on walks together. And I'm not going to be a part of it.

    I still haven't cried.

    He didn't break up with me because of my tears, it was because we kept fighting, but he never fixed the problem, so what did he really expect. You win some, you lose some.

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  2. your amazing ally!! thats all i have to say xD

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